


Of terrible ideas

by siberianchan



Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: General Awkwardness, M/M, Stormfly is a sex-ed dragon, and definitely non-romantic marriages are alluded to, and everybodys mom, mention of bestiality, sex ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 18:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6530950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siberianchan/pseuds/siberianchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stormfly is NOT exactly thrilled when she finds out Hiccup and Toothless are a couple. So, serious talks, sex-ed and general awkwardness ensue. And we all have to thank TamerLorikas "We"-series for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of terrible ideas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TamerLorika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamerLorika/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Idiomatic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5407196) by [TamerLorika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamerLorika/pseuds/TamerLorika). 



**Of terrible ideas**

 

For some reason, the air tasted different. Well, it had tasted different for a while now, at least to dragons and Stormfly had not been too surprised.

Toothless and his human – main reasons for this change of proverbial weather – were both old enough to consider mating and probably flew over with related ideas and thoughts and fantasies. This was not helped by the fact that Toothless was just out of luck finding a potential mate around here and Hiccup was, well, Hiccup, probably too busy and too clever and too crazy to even actively consider anything in that regard. No, Stormfly had not been surprised by THAT change of air. After all, it had happened a good time ago, definitely longer than a year, so it definitely had become quite a normal flavor of Berk around here. (And truth be told Hiccup was definitely not the only human his age who smelled like sexual-awakening-not-quite-actively-realized. And it still smelled better than what the twins had going on around themselves. Yikes.)

What surprised Stormfly was that recent change in the wind, one that she could not even pinpoint at first.

Toothless and his rider smelled rather much like each other anyways, due to the physical closeness they had almost every waking and very probably sleeping hour. That was normal.

But something about the closeness had changed, ever so subtly and it took Stormfly days – and the visual cue of Hiccup gently and slowly stroking Toothless' neck and subtly digging in his nails at the very sensitive spot behind the ear sensors – to finally piece it together.

No. No, no, no, no. That could very much not be. That couldn't... couldn't... or could it?

Suddenly, Hiccups questions during the last few weeks made a lot more sense. Well, they had made sense before. Mating season had been over for a bit and things had calmed down, Stormflys hatchlings of this year had left to go on adventures on their own but of course Hiccup – interested in everything about dragons – would be keen to learn about their habits of pursuit and wooing and mating. Offhandedly he had also mentioned what Meatlug and Hookfang and some other dragons had answered, so yes, it had seemed like he had just collected information.

Which he had done. Just how he'd go about and use this...

Stormfly, watching them stroll through the village, shook herself and her spikes rattled, causing Astrid to look up. “What's the matter, sweetie, huh?”, she crooned, scratching her chin and oh, that spot,  _that spot_ , it almost made her forget the worry, the sense of utter  _urgency_ that had just crawled over her.

Almost.

She cawed and shook herself again and finally, Astrid spotted Hiccup and waved at him and Hiccup actually waved back and smiled as if he had no worry in the world and  _how could Astrid not notice?!_

Stormfly rattled her spikes again.

“Someone's in a sour mood today, huh?”, Astrid sighed. “If you really are so upset about it, fine, you get your chicken ration again.”

That was good – well, not, what Stormfly had wanted, but certainly good and at least she now had her daily ration of chicken again which had been sorely missed the last week. Astrid had actually dared to suggest she'd go on a diet. As if ever! She was Stormfly, she was a Nadder, she needed  _no_ diet!

She sighed and turned her head to Toothless.

“ _Talk. Need_ ”, she chirped towards him and when he looked at her, she made sure to shoot looks just as sharp and well-aimed as her spikes. “ _Important. Tonight._ ”

Toothless looked not too happy but he sighed. “ _Tonight. Will be here._ ”

“ _Hiccup_ too”, Stormfly insisted, “ _Important. Need to know._ ”

Now it was Hiccup looking at her and – yes, the human grew actually quite red around the ears. Stormfly never had gotten the hang of the system that dictated human color change, but it was immensely fascinating to her.

And at the very least Hiccup nodded. “ _Understand. Be here._ ”

Astrid tilted her head. “Okay, I have no idea what you guys just talked about”, she admitted and Hiccup, letting his hand rest on the neck of a happily purring Toothless, just grinned and shrugged. “Jut tried to get her to tell me about your new trick but she wont.”

Ah, clever human to think of something like this so fast.

Stormfly happily bobbed her head. “ _We no tell!_ ” _,_ she chirped, “ _No good for them too. Trick too fast. We too fast, we Nadder._ ”

Astrid shook her head. “Ok, Hiccup, maybe we tell you the trick, but only if you teach me Dragonese, ok?”

And he smiled. “Deal.”

Well at least, Stormfly conceded, Toothless had chosen a good character. That was worth something.

 

Still, Hiccups good character was one of the reasons she was worried. Toothless was big and strong and heavy and clawed and just  _what in the sky were these two thinking?!_

Stormfly in her pen paved up and down, looking at the pair in front of them. “ _Reckless stupid stupid Toothless stupid Hiccup!_ ”, she hissed and popped at them. “ _What you thinking no harm happening?! Harm will happen if you careless! Much harm!_ ”

Toothless had the audacity to shake his head. “ _Not Toothless' idea!_ ”, he tried but then conceded. “ _Wished. Wished, yes. Idea though Hiccup. Hiccup always doing stupid things._ ”

Hiccup shot him an annoyed look.

Toothless shrugged.

“ _My planning, yes_ ”, Hiccup finally admitted and rolled his eyes. “ _Asked you and many others for planning._ ”

Stormfly spoke her final judgement. “ _Stupid Hiccup_ .”

“ _Not stupid. Know what Hiccup want, know that Toothless want the same. Know_ Us _. Know what_ We _want._ ”

The popping and whistling sound startled her a bit. It was a lot different from the way dragons usually referred to themselves as a single person – it was more of a word to describe a unity, a bond... and come to think of it, Toothless had never referred to himself without including Hiccup.

Ugh, these morons. Stormfly lowered her head. “ _Fine then. You be careful?_ ”

“ _Never hurt him_ ”, Toothless growled, gently nuzzling Hiccups side. “ _Make him happy, very happy._ ”

Hiccup thankfully did only respond with leaning closer and smiling in a way that reminded Stormfly of butter on the skin of a freshly roasted, still hot chicken.

Focus. Focus, she had to focus, she could do that.

“ _Fine. Toothless go. Need to talk Hiccup. Talk alone._ ”

Toothless growled in annoyance, but Hiccup was next to him, stroking his head and making sweet, soothing noises. “It's ok, it's ok, yes? I bet it wont be long, so you just go home, I'll be right behind.”

And whatever he did with his mouth against Toothless' skin, it convinced the young dragon to bid her a rather grumpy “ _Good Night_ ” and turn and leave.

“Well... so...” Hiccup made a rather rough, round sound in his throat that was no Dragonese but rather human for _I am embarrassed and would like to grow wings and fly away but if the earth would open and swallow me, I wont object either_.

“I hope it's not too late for the customary gift to the gracious hostess?”

It was not and the cod was received with grace.

“ _No tell Astrid_ ”, Stormfly demanded after she had finished gobbling down the fish.

“ _No tell Astrid_ ”, Hiccup assured her. “ _Hiccup wants live and keep arms and other leg and head._ ”

This caused Stormfly to cackle, but only for a bit, before she stared at him. “ _Sit._ ”

Hiccup sat down in the straw.

Oh well, it was time to get down to business. “ _Human and dragon not mate well. Much painful. No good._ ”

“ _We work out_ ”, Hiccup argued with a wistful expression on his face. “ _We find ways. Not too bad._ ”

Ugh. Stormfly shuddered. “ _Many information. Not like know them. Stormfly like know human cloaca._ ”

Hiccup blinked at her. “ _Cloaca_ ”, he then repeated slowly.

Really, for being so smart, occasionally this human was annoyingly stupid.

“ _Cloaca_ ”, Stormfly assured him and then lifted her tail.

“ _Ah, ah... humans different._ ”

“ _I notice._ ”

Again Hiccup was red. Stormfly could see it even in the dim moonlight and moreover, she felt the nervous heat radiating from the human like light itself. “Ah, well...  _female humans have two cloaca_ ”, he then explained.

“ _One for mating and hatching, one for soil. Fertilizers have one cloaca for soil._ ”, Stormfly continued.

“Fert... fertilizers. Ah. Men.” Hiccup scratched his head.

Stormfly sighed. It was no surprise to her that humans had a rather different concept of this thing than dragons, but really, since he had such an interest in these matters, she would have expected him to do his research a bit more thoroughly. What if Toothless had turned out to be a hatcher instead of a fertilizer?

“ _Yes. Cloaca. One._ ”

“ _Not for mating”_ , Stormfly judged. “ _No good_ ”

But Hiccup, once again, shrugged, albeit with a good bit more embarrassment. “ _Works. So far._ ”

Stormfly rattled her spikes again. “ _So, no hurt?_ ”

“ _Some... little...? But worth it. And not bad_?”

“ _Not bad?! NOT BAD?!_ ” Oh, how she wanted to roar at him for his sheer stupidity, but no, then Astrid would wake up and that was the last thing Stormfly wanted. So she resorted to hissing. “ _Not bad?! Mating not should hurt, not a little! Not there, should hurt in legs, in wings in voice in belly, in neck maybe but not cloaca! Means not good, not fit, mate not fine enough. If mate not fine mate bite you to hold you down, mate may kill you! Hurt! Not! Good!_ ”

Hiccup blinked up at her. The heat he had been radiating had no ceased, but he was still clearly visible to her sharp eyes, she saw his down turned mouth, his furrowed brow and then something gleaming in his eyes. “I see... oh, I'm sorry you got so worried, girl, really, I didn't know...”

“ _Happens. Not to Stormfly. Stormfly smart, Stormfly strong, but Hiccup tiny and thin and weak..._ ”

“Yeah, thanks for summing that up.” Hiccup sighed again. “ _Toothless good. Toothless never hurt_ me”, the then gently pleaded. “ _Trust him. So Stormfly trust Toothless? Stormfly trust us?_ ”

“ _Hurt? You say it hurt? Why trust then_?”

Hiccup rolled his eyes. “ _Not SO weak. Can take a bit. Also my choice. Also..._ ” And now he had the audacity to smile at her, “ _also some little hurt sometimes nice. For some humans._ Really _nice some little hurt._ ”

“ _Much information. Stormfly not wanted hear._ ” Humans definitely were weird. “ _But Stormfly has information for Hiccup. Important._ ”

He looked at her expectantly.

“ _Fertile Water may clump and harden. Makes part of egg shell. No good in human behind._ ”

Hiccups face fell. “What...”

“ _Hiccup lucky Toothless not a hatcher and Hiccup not a hatcher. Hatchers in heat dangerous and fertilizers wild when smelling hatcher in heat. But Toothless may dangerous when smelling Hiccup wanting to be in heat. May be impatient. Maybe rip outer skins away and leave marks. Dragons mark mates when mating more than two seasons together._ ”

Oh, she could see Hiccup counting in his head how often they had mated and musing about what counted as season and it was amusing, especially when he started to think about getting his bearings.

“Okay... ah... anything else I... I need to know?”

Stormfly blinked at him. “ _Dragons know. You smell. Smell like mating. Smell like rutting. All the time. Need to wash, maybe. Will take away biggest scent. Not all._ ”

“Good to know, so... I... I gonna go and... yeah... see you tomorrow and...” And Hiccup scrambled to his feed and ran like he had a horde of fireworms on his heels.

Well, Stormfly concedes, at least no unnecessary rutting tonight. Probably. She'd seen enough of humans and certainly of dragons to know that there was very little to stop those youngsters from these things if they put their mind to it.

 

However, the next morning revealed, that indeed, no rutting had happened. The smell had lessened a good bit, but both Hiccup and Toothless looked tired and pale and when Stormfly came, chirping to them, they winced with mortification.

It was adorable and hilarious at the same time and Stormfly took joy in chirping another volley of greetings at them.

Hiccup just stared at her.  _“No tell Astrid. You understand?!_ ”

“ _Stormfly not tell! Stormfly Nadder, Stormfly smart!_ ”

No, she would not tell.

 

At least not for the next few years.

Then however, things had changed a bit. Not between Toothless and Hiccup, though there was a trace of sadness and pain they soothed for each other and that strangely enough tied them even closer together.

No, these two would never change, probably.

However, Toothless was now an Alpha. The Alpha if one felt inclined to be THAT dragon, considering there were no other Alphas known right now.

And Hiccup was Alpha too, of the human half of their flock and he had been a good deal less enthusiastic about taking on this position than his dragon mate. It was fitting, the two of them, sharing the burden for their collective flock together, as mates should.

The humans, however, didn't seem to see it like that and began talking how Hiccup should take a wife (a human word for mate, Stormfly knew, with some more distinctions, but she did not really feel like musing about it too much), how a chief needed a partner (didn't he already have one?) and so on and so forth and to Stormflys utter confusion, neither Hiccup nor Toothless seemed to feel in the mood to protest against it.

Instead, they visited Astrid more and more frequently, with Toothless staying outside (insert awkward silence on the dragon part) and Hiccup entering and staying for a long time (insert a mixture of awkward silence, intense talking and more silence and then a bit of nervous laughter. And the mixed scents of worry and relief and companion-you-are-not-alone).

And considering Stormfly was a very intelligent dragon, she could piece the meaning of that together as well – and far easier than some other relationship revelations. Also a bit less disturbing.

And Astrid, while not beaming and skipping and being all giddy like most women about to celebrate her mating (humans were really weird) she was in a rather sweet mood, so it was not easy for Stormfly, but really, someone had to say it.

“ _Astrid want to mate Hiccup?_ ”, she whistled one day after a particular exhausting and satisfying flight. Astrid had been in a mood of calm, friendly cheerfulness for days now, since the last evening Hiccup had shown up for another of their talks and had nuzzled her cheek with his mouth before he and Toothless had taken off.

Astrid blinked at her, chewed on her lip like she always did when trying to put her thoughts into words and then slowly and in slightly faltering dragonese she replied: “ _Not no-saying. Hiccup good man. Good friend and good man and..._ ” She shrugged. “Pretty much the only guy worth considering for marriage.”

True. Berk was a wonderful place and all, but the mating pool in Astrids age group was woefully small.

Which made this all the worse. “ _Astrid not-can have Hiccup for mate_ .”

“What... hey! _Stormfly like Hiccup! Stormfly like Toothless. Stormfly can live with Toothless and Hiccup, can Stormfly?_ ” Then she paused for a second. “ _Or Stormfly like Eret more_?”

Stormfly rattled her spikes at the accusation. As if. Please. “ _Eret pet. Not mate. Pet for Stormfly, pet for dragon. Pet not good mate._ ”

“Well, can't argue with that logic...” Astrid sighed. “Ok, sweetie, I promise you will not have to share your chicken...”

“ _Hiccup no mate for Astrid. Hiccup mate Toothless._ ” And there the truth was out and probably the human half of their flock now would need a new Alpha. Well done, Stormfly. She sighed. No, that was not one of her smarter moves.

Astrid however still seemed not to understand. “ _Yes, Hiccup and Toothless belong_ ”, she agreed slowly. “ _Belong together. Not apart. Like Astrid and Stormfly belong not apart._ ”

Her human, Stormfly concluded, was the most beautiful and fierce and wonderful and smartest human ever, but even the smartest humans had their stupid moments and in these moments Stormfly was very glad she had over the years picked up some human idioms. “ _Fuck. Fuck like rabbits.”_

It was not possible to be more blatant, right?

However, Astrid blinked at her. “What... but... what?!”

“ _Mates._ ”, Stormfly repeated. Very, very, very slowly. “ _Mates fuck. Lot fuck. Like bunnies._ ” She just loved that comparison.

And she waited for Astrids face to distort, for her to become all pale and then red and then her eyes would water up and she would  _howl..._

Well, the all-pale-and-then-red part was right at least.

Astrid blanched a bit – then she turned red and yes, there was the distorted face. Stormfly prepared for the howling and settled down into the straw, lifting a wing, so Astrid could hide at her shoulder...

Which Astrid did not.

She stared at her. “I need to lay down some conditions for the marriage.”

“ _What?_ ” Stormfly chirped.

And Astrid, still shaking a tiny, tiny, little bit, shrugged. “Well, just because I KNOW my husband and his dragon fuck doesn't mean I have to hear it, right?” And then turned and Stormfly could hear her footsteps stomping through the village.

Then her yell. “HICCUP!”

So... that was that.

Stormfly sighed. Another night without interspecies rutting.

Also another night without chicken. No, this really had not been one of Stormflys better ideas.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I completely and entirely blame TamerLorika and their straight-up terrifyingly beautiful way of writing ToothCup fics for this. Also, they are my favorite fan fiction person ever. Also I hate them for being one of the first authors to this terrifying and adorable ship I stumbled across. There goes my sanity. (Never had much of that anyways.)  
> (Also I blame my best friend for getting me into the movies, but I think she would shudder to see what this had done to me).
> 
> Also, my view on marriage in general is rather pragmatic, especially in a setting so distinctly pre-romanticism when this whole Love Match as ultimate goal schtick came up.


End file.
